Clava Napkin – The Nitpik
Clava Napkin

Clava Napkin

The Nitpik

Coming to you from Yenta Central 

Why Is Clava Called The Nitpik?

Clava was raised by the KGB, Krazy Grandmothers Burping, on their lawn chairs, eating brisket and licking their saucy, flappy lips. The KGB kept reporting back to her nosy, worried parents..Clava loved sleeping around early and often with any piece that moved. Now, she’s happily m
arried to Henry, the yutz. Her experiences with men and others have made her a star presence and expert big mouth in the areas of sex. relationships and troublemaking.

In fact, Clava still gets into so much trouble, the neighborhood residents gave her a statue. On the statue, it said “Clava, we can’t stand you, but you keep our zip code on the map. You are such a troublemaker, you keep the police patroling our streets 24/7.” Clava was so touched, she threw a party for the whole neighborhood. It took 3 days to break up the party because all the cops had so much fun, none of them wanted to go back to work. A special task force had to be sent in to. Obviously, none of them drank.

When you get into as much trouble as Clava does, you better be nice to law enforcement. She also has a special relationship with alcohol. Clava used to bartend at the Spearmint Rhino, the strip joint. Her dirty brother got her the position. Then some of the customers wanted her to service them in different positions. Los Angeles could have been burning down, but 10 squad cars hung out nearby to take a peek every night. They raided the place frequently, but the manager loved Clava because she was the only staff member over the age of child fornication. To her chagrin, the police never raided Clava. To retaliate, she didn’t give out sexual favors to them for free.

While giving out her outrageous advice to the police, they had no choice, but to stand at attention and listen. The police loved her because she was so entertaining and her wit and wisdom was as addictive as crack. She met her idiot husband Henry as his tongue was hanging out watching three woman on stage having oral sex.He was kind, loving and was the only man who knew how to tame her tongue temporarily. Clearly, Henry was beneath Clava, but she fell for the big stupid because he kept all of her bodily holes busy. But, it was their daily yell fests that really won her heart.

Clava has become quite the celebrity in her neighborhood. This week, the Catty Caffeine Club is meeting in her backyard. She will be serving large cups of espresso and they will need it. Their ears will grow long nose hairs because she’s teaching the over the hill felines how to turn husbands into hookers. Her pimps in training will turn their quiet elderly gentlemen into cash machines. The ladies will be so grateful. Clava will sweeten her pot by guilting them into donating to a foundation very dear to her left ventricle, The Yutz Fund. Clava sincerely hopes it becomes the next hot thing on the stock exchange.

How old is Clava? She’s still doing the math and never has time to figure it out because she’s too busy yelling at Henry and anyone who crosses her bra.

Presenting Clava

She takes her professional pain status seriously

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